i do not feel complete. but

i am afraid to search for my pieces aimlessly.

crumbling the darkness in my hands

only to find a smaller, more graspable darkness—

one that will not ooze like smoke from my fingertips,

but rather settle itself into the grooves of my palms

like an impossible glue in which

you spend an entire lifetime

trying to boil away

thefeelingdump:

i. volunteering to work every holiday because you don’t feel like explaining to every extended family member that you don’t really know what you are doing with your life 

ii. going to sleep every time you feel sad because you don’t really feel like facing the fact that you have a problem

iii. never apologizing to people that you’ve hurt because you’re too afraid to hear your own voice shake

thefeelingdump:

1. don’t go to sleep sad, you will wake up with rocks in your stomach
2. don’t lie about being busy. you have relationships to maintain, as much as you hate getting out of bed
3. listen to yourself talk sometimes, not everything you say is dipped in honey
4. don’t tell him you’re sorry when you know you’re not
5. get rid of the songs and the pictures and the memories
6. don’t make plans for the future
7. remember that you are young and dumb and you will not learn from your mistakes
8. cry in the shower
9. don’t believe anyone; don’t trust anyone
10. look in the mirror and tear yourself apart

it always comes to this,

the “i’m just tired” that i’ll lie about but

i won’t feel guilty

the “i’ll talk to you later” but

you’ll never call—

i am empty but i shine enough to

burn holes in your eyes

so you press them shut 

and you don’t look at me

like you used to—

i’ve grown used to the ghosts that take my breath,

the quiet sense of enigmatic sighs

that we slip into

when there is nothing left to say

I remember when I thought I loved you

I spent days ripping off my skin

Piece after piece until I came to

the spot you last kissed

I lightly traced the skin with my fingertips

and I thought

I should save myself

for something (someone) better

but the sticky sun left my feet tarred to the pavement

so I took off my shoes

and I walked home 

alone

I want to be trapped in small places with you

small towns & houses

small couches and bathtubs

small beds—

I want to rest with my head uncomfortably tucked in

the space between your neck and 

your shoulders

until we are quiet

Your breath is my breath and

my breath is your breath

And so we live

i. i am no expert at what it means to carry the weight of another inside your bones until they break

and yet i’d lift you on my back until you could walk again

ii. i’m not sure if it’s because i can see myself in your eyes, similar enough to twin sadness in a way that makes you uncomfortable

or if it’s because you’d do the same for me (or maybe you wouldn’t)

but still

iii. the sound of ice cracking underneath us on this wintery night atop the frozen lake of my hometown reaches for my hand (and we walk further)

iv. it is here you’ll tell me “i am glad i know you”, but what you’ll really mean is “i am glad you’ll never know me” and i’ll still hold you tight and you’ll still smile (and we walk further)

v. it might be too early for the “fuck you’s”, but we are late bloomers

vi. i hope you never learn to bite your tongue

there have been times when i’d wear your words like a necklace pressed

tightly to my chest underneath 

my school clothes  

when i’d brush my hair until it was a part of you

hoping the static kept us locked together until the cold

  /

and i’d imagine a blustered night in my car

with our tongues too full to speak

but you’d whisper “this is probably a bad idea”

and i would say  i knew (because i would)

/

and be certain that i do know the consequences of thinking the ways i do

but i still write poems about you on chilly fall nights,

(asking you to leave my skin indented with parts of you that no one else knows)

/

let me be something for you

let me be nothing

sometimes i feel the need to

drown myself in something

thick and foggy

i could cover myself in a

bath of salt 

or of you

and i could breathe you in

let you clog my veins

and weld my lungs shut

so i could keep you inside me forever